Better or Worse

I’ve been thinking recently about two mutually contradictory truths – first, that I’m a whole lot better than I was and, second, I’m a whole lot worse than I was.
I know you’re thinking about now that I’m crazy. I’m not – well, maybe a little bit – but not about this. In fact, if you’ll let me explain, you might identify with what I’m feeling.
The first truth – that I’m a lot better than I was – is a truth about which I must be very careful. I have this tendency to get religious and to pretend that I’m better than I am. But with all of the humility that I can muster, I really am better. I’m not nearly as angry as I once was, and I think less lustful, prideful and bitter thoughts than I once did. Quite frankly, I pray better, live better and serve more faithfully and joyfully than I ever did before.
And that’s the truth. Not only that, my goodness isn’t because I’m old and tired nor is it because I’m cramming for finals. I’m really better…a lot better.
Honest!
Now, the flip side of what I just told you was haunting me even as I wrote what I wrote above. There is stuff in me, in my soul, that is scary bad. I don’t know if I’m more sensitive, or if I’m really worse than I was. It’s probably a bit of both. But, frankly (and, no, I’m not going to get very specific here – I may sin, but I’m not stupid), I blush when I think of the things that I’ve thought, the selfishness that defines me and the ego that drives me. I will go to any ends to protect me. I will even pretend humility, vulnerability and honesty so you will say, “Lou is so honest, vulnerable and humble..”
Paul certainly said it a lot better than I could ever say it: “I don’t understand my own actions. For I don’t do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate [the downside]…for I have the desire to do what is right [the upside]…” (Romans 7:15,18).
What’s the point? Listen and I’m going to tell you:
The point is that it doesn’t matter.
Well, that’s a bit strong. Of course it matters but not in the way you think. My goodness or lack thereof is irrelevant, and my concern with it (sometimes bordering on obsessiveness) is not only fanatic, it is another kind of pride.
I like to say that I measure myself only by my trust in my union with Jesus, but you and I both know that’s a lie. I measure myself by how I’m doing compared to you or someone else.
Self-righteousness and self-condemnation are the flip sides of the same coin. Both are an undue concern with me, my reputation and my godliness.
Jesus always says, “Look at Me! Quit looking at others and at yourself. That’s your problem and it will only make you sicker. I love you…whether you’re good or bad, and that’s the most important thing you need to know.”
Enough yet. I guess what I’m saying is that I give up…and, in the giving up, my goodness and my sin are both irrelevant to His love. And I suppose the mix of genuine good (that He has created in my spirit) and genuine bad (I can do that in my soul by myself, thank you) will still stir up in my soul…and drive my soul closer to Him.
Then I find myself free of my obsessiveness and my self-righteousness and my self-condemnation. They are the twin demons that can’t climb over the walls of Christ’s unconditional love.
Now I think I’ll quit spouting off about me and pray for more awareness of who I am IN HIM.

[Back to Home]